Although the title of this piece may sound like something that one might shout at protagonist Geralt of Rivia, in the harsh reality of the Witcher 3 he’d be far more likely to hear the words “fuck off mate” thrown in his general direction.
This is because the world that our titular Witcher inhabits isn’t a particularly nice one, either to him or its general inhabitants. Geralt is treated with contempt and fear wherever he sets foot, often bearing the brunt of scaremongering tactics from those in power in cities or villages.
Falsified rumours abound that Witchers slaughter and cheat folk out of hard-earned money, and although this may be the case with some certain Witchers (looking at you, School of the Cat), our playable monster-slayer generally doesn’t venture into such dubious practices.
So, generally speaking, what’s a Witcher to do on his birthday? There’s really no short answer to this question. For one, Geralt never really takes days off, except very rarely when in the right company, and the Geralt I’ve come to know from my adventures in pursuit of the Wild Hunt may be entirely different from the Geralt that you moulded.
My Geralt, if you’re interested to know, would probably spend the day drinking himself stupid on the finest wine he could find in the Northern Realms. I say that, but he’d probably be far more likely to merely grab whatever beverage is closest at hand, regardless of its potency.
Also, there’s the matter of who he’d be spending the occasion with. Would it be Yeneffer, or Triss, or Ciri, or no one at all? I made the painstaking decision to end Geralt’s tormented romance with Yeneffer, and instead opted to settle down with Triss (blasphemous, I know). Alternatively, bachelor Geralt could be spending the time with just his adopted daughter, Ciri, which really would be quite a nice end to the story of the monster-slayer for hire.
But, if you look at the header image on this post, CD Projekt themselves posted their take of what Geralt and friends would be up to on the Witcher’s birthday. It appears as though just about every character throughout the books and games turned out to mark the occasion, and even Roach is stood in the corner looking high as a kite.
There’s Nekkers attempting to join in the celebrations through the window, and both Foltest and Vesemir appear to have risen from their respective graves to wish our protagonist a happy birthday (side note: I miss you, Vesemir).
Scanning around the room further, we’ve got Iorveth tucked away in the corner, Johnny and Sarah on what appears to be a date, Roche and Ves looking very glum on the edge of the picture, and Triss presenting Geralt with his very own birthday cake (not sure how Yeneffer feels about that).
This picture really exemplifies the reason that I’ve come to love the Witcher, and developer CD Projekt RED. They clearly adore the characters they’ve helped define within the series, and aren’t afraid to jokingly play around with them.
So, to mark the belated first birthday of the Witcher 3: Wild Hunt, I’d like to say thank you to CD Projekt RED, for truly caring and having fun with the characters and the world which they’ve helped bring to life for us.
P.S.: They put Letho on the same table as three monarchs? Now that’s a cruel irony if ever I saw one.